For as long as I can remember I have struggled with the fear of not measuring up. I remember being a little girl and often feeling like there was something about me that was lacking. Deep down I felt like I wasn’t good enough. This feeling of not being enough produced a lot of insecurity, comparison, self-hatred, fear, competition, perfection, and performance in my life.

I would often ask the question of “Am I worthy and am I valuable?” I want to say that one day I just realized that I was good enough, worthy, and valuable and all the other yuck that comes along with not feeling like you measure up just vanished. But that is not my story.

From a young age, I have experienced a lot of pain from abandonment and rejection from a parent. On top of that I grew up in a home with an alcoholic, so as you can imagine this made my home life messy and chaotic.Growing up, I didn’t have really have anybody to speak truth to the lies that were on a continuous loop in my head. I spent many years allowing the voices of other’s opinions and thoughts of me to determine the answer of whether I measured up or not. I felt such an intense pressure to prove to everybody that I was worthy and that I had value, so I did everything it took to get the best grades, be friends with the coolest people, and have the trendiest new things. Yet even after doing all of that, I still felt like I did not measure up.

I think this question of “do I measure up, am I enough” are some of the most universally asked questions that each person battles with. We are all hyper-aware of scarcity- of areas where we lack- and because of that we engage and live our lives from a place of wanting to prove. We want to prove to others and ourselves that we are worthy and we measure up, but often we come up short. Why? Because worthiness is not dependent or defined by external changes. Changing your appearance, buying all the cool new things, being the most popular and having the most friends or likes on Instagram, having the most money and being the most successful is not going make you feel like you are worthy. It might feel good for a moment , but only last until the next time someone says something that makes you feel like you aren’t enough. Finding worthiness in external changes is merely putting a band-aid on the real issue at hand.

The real issue is that we have put our worthiness up for discussion. First by ourselves, and secondly to those around us. It may be your family, your friends or even to your followers on social media. Worthiness is an inside job, and it should never be up for discussion. When I was in my second year of ministry school, I was introduced to Brené Brown. Brené is a research professor at the University of Houston. She has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy; she is also the author of five #1 New York Times bestsellers. Brené talks about wholehearted living in her books and teaching. Wholehearted living means to “engage in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.” To combat the lie of not being good enough we have to start living from a place of wholeheartedness. Only when we begin to believe that we measure up and that we are good enough (regardless of what others may say) can we start to lean into true freedom and joy and cultivate an appreciation for how we are created and for what we bring to the table.

 One area where I have felt question my worth is in the area of my creativity. I started getting into photography when I was a sophomore in High School. I decided to take the photography elective to fill an open slot that I had in my schedule. We were sent out on a scavenger hunt, and entirely by accident, I happened to take a cool photo of the sun hitting lockers. My teacher asked us to display our favorite picture up on the computer screen and I chose to display that one. He came around and said, “Wow, look! You’re a photographer.” And so, my journey began. Now ten years later I have had quite the process of believing in my work and capabilities as a photographer.

A few years ago, I lived with one of my closest friends who happen also to be a photographer. Her work was always phenomenal! I remember starting to doubt my abilities because of the comparison I allowed to happen when it came to her and my photographs. I remember looking at a shoot that she had done and thinking to myself that my work will never be as good as hers was. After that moment, I took a long break from photography. The reality is, and especial nowadays with technology, there are so many incredibly talented photographers and creatives. There will always be someone who could capture a photograph better than I can just because they might have better equipment or more experience than me, but that doesn’t mean that my work or even who I am as a photographer isn’t good enough.