I despise it when everyone keeps telling me - time heals. It's been months and it certainly isn't the case and as a result, I feel like a fraud, a ticking time bomb of brokenness. I've realised that working through my pain is a journey that leads me to mountain tops and deep valleys. Moments of joy and breakthrough followed by a sense of loss and sadness. But every day, by Gods strength, grace and mercy - I walk. And I keep walking and trusting that the lies of the enemy, holding me in bondage fade to a whisper and then eventually a mote lost in the wind. Pain is part of the process. The problem is when we fixate on the process, we lose sight of the promise. The place where healing lives and hope thrives. The place of dwelling at Jesus's feet. The place of surrender.

I'm trying to figure out this pain thing. I'm wrestling with the process and learning the true meaning of surrender. I often find myself on mountain tops, joyfully dancing on the promises of tomorrow as I breathe in the joy of today. Yet within a second, I freefall into a pit of despair and pain as my past plagues my mind and shackles my heart.

Every day I wrestle. I wrestle with my past and the promise. I wrestle with the lies of the enemy and the truth of my King. I wrestle with my own hopes and desires while trying to wholeheartedly pursue Jesus and His plans. I wrestle with the good and the bad. My head and my heart. The lies and the truth. My hurt and my hope. Everyday - I wrestle.

I used to feel like a fraud, preaching the gospel one week and the next, begging for healing and freedom from my pain. I didn't understand the highs and lows of my life. I didn't understand how I could be healed and broken all at once. It didn't make sense and when I didn't understand, I underestimated and discredited myself. I kept quiet. I retreated and believed that I needed to be whole in order to be worthy. I needed to have it all figured out before I could speak of God's goodness, my victory - and even my pain.

But Psalm 51:17 shines as a bright light in the dark places of my struggles.

I don't need to have it all figured out. I don't need to be perfect or whole. God does not want my perfection as a sacrifice at the foot of the altar. God just wants me. Broken and in pain - me. In full surrender.

So my dear brothers and sisters, if you find yourself in a place of pain - preserve and surrender! Be vulnerable about the space you are in and allow God to bring healing through community, church, scripture and the spirit. Walk with Jesus as you wrestle and figure out the mountains and valleys of your life. Surrender to your circumstances and abandon your hurt. Hand over your pain and the promise to God. Allow Him to walk with you in your struggle, being light on your footpath so that you no longer stumble and wrestle in the dark.

For He loves you.

He cares for you.

And he longs to see you emerge from the fire - VICTORIOUS.